Funny Hilarious Humour Witty Quotes

Laughter is spice of life. Laugh a lot. It burns a lot of calories. Here is collection of funny, hilarious, humour, witty quotes form top authors of all time. We have included interesting topics like marriage, democracy, politics, recession and many more. break out your boredom. Have fun!

Democracy means simply the bludgeoning of the people by the people for the people. — Oscar Wilde

Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed. — Albert Einstein

Most women set out to try to change a man, and when they have changed him they do not like him. — Marlene Dietrich

Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy.
— Francois de La Rochefoucauld

Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage – they’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry. — Rita Rudner

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
— Sacha Guitry

Marriage is give and take. You’d better give it to her or she’ll take it anyway.
— Joey Adams

Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
— Dave Barry

Before marriage, a man declares that he would lay down his life to serve you; after marriage, he won’t even lay down his newspaper to talk to you. — Helen Rowland

We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together. — Rodney Dangerfield

When a girl marries she exchanges the attentions of many men for the inattention of one. — Helen Rowland

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
— Lana Turner

In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn’t danced in television.
— Erma Bombeck

Politicians and diapers must be changed often, and for the same reason. — Mark Twain

A politician needs the ability to foretell what is going to happen tomorrow, next week, next month, and next year. And to have the ability afterwards to explain why it didn’t happen. — Winston Churchill

The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.
— Albert Einstein

Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is a little like expecting the bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian. — Dennis Wholey

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. — Alan Dundes

Money and women. They’re two of the strongest things in the world. The things you do for a woman you wouldn’t do for anything else. Same with money. — Satchel Paige

Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes. — Oscar Wilde

He who laughs last didn’t get the joke. — Charles de Gaulle

Women always worry about things that men forget; men always worry about things women remember.
— Albert Einstein

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.
— Rodney Dangerfield

Girls do not dress for boys. They dress for themselves, of course, each other. If girls dressed for boys, they’d just walk around naked at all times.
— Betsey Johnson

The simple act of opening a bottle of wine has brought more happiness to the human race than all the collective governments in the history of earth.
— Jim Harrison

When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That’s relativity.
— Albert Einstein

If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.
— Dalai Lama

As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.
— Norman Wisdom

The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.
— Albert Einstein

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
— Steven Wright

A day without laughter is a day wasted.
— Charlie Chaplin

The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us. — Bill Watterson

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names. — John F. Kennedy

By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong. — Charles Wadsworth

Politics: Poli a Latin word meaning many and tics meaning bloodsucking creatures.
— Robin Williams

When you go to work, if your name is on the building, you’re rich. If your name is on your desk, you’re middle class. And if your name is on your shirt, you’re poor.
— Rich Hall

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back. — Oscar Wilde

A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
— Groucho Marx

Advertising is the art of convincing people to spend money they don’t have for something they don’t need. — Will Rogers

It’s true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance.
— Ronald Reagan

A man’s face is his autobiography. A woman’s face is her work of fiction.
— Oscar Wilde

I live by my own rules (reviewed, revised, and approved by my wife).. but still my own.
— Si Robertson

They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.
— Clint Eastwood

Everything is funny, as long as it’s happening to somebody else. — Will Rogers

A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.’ — Claude Pepper

Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment. — Betty White

When I’m not in a relationship, I shave one leg. That way, when I sleep, it feels like I’m with a woman. — Garry Shandling

I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don’t know the answer.
— Douglas Adams

The safe way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket.
— Kin Hubbard

Mind is never a problem. Mindset is.

Beware of the young doctor and the old barber. — Benjamin Franklin

A recession is when your neighbor loses his job. A depression is when you lose yours.
—Ronald Reagan

A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists. — Don Marquis

Man has his will, but woman has her way. — Oliver Wendell Holmes Sr.

If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you. — Billy Wilder

If any of you cry at my funeral I’ll never speak to you again. — Stan Laurel

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. — Jim Carrey

money is not everything but it ranks right up there with oxygen. — Zig Ziglar

Today is Valentine’s Day – or, as men like to call it, Extortion Day! — Jay Leno

Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months.
—Oscar Wilde

The funny thing about stop signs is that they’re also start signs.
— Maureen Johnson

At every party there are two kinds of people – those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other. — Ann Landers

Love: A temporary insanity curable by marriage. — Ambrose Bierce

We have women in the military, but they don’t put us in the front lines. They don’t know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, ‘You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms.’
— Elayne Boosler

My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never.
— Jack Benny

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person’s plate. — Dave Barry

Here’s to our wives and girlfriends…may they never meet! — Groucho Marx

If there hadn’t been women we’d still be squatting in a cave eating raw meat, because we made civilization in order to impress our girlfriends. — Orson Welles

…and the funny thing was that people who weren’t entirely certain they were right always argued much louder than other people, as if the main person they were trying to convince were themselves. — Terry Pratchett

To attract men, I wear a perfume called ‘New Car Interior.’— Rita Rudner

Mom and Pop were just a couple of kids when they got married. He was eighteen, she was sixteen and I was three. — Billie Holiday

Analysing comedy is like dissecting a frog. Nobody laughs and the frog dies.
— Barry Cryer

If exposure of body is modernism, then animals are more modern than humans.
— Zakir Naik

Selfish men make the best lovers. They’re prepared to invest in the women’s pleasures so that they can collect an even bigger dividend for themselves. — J. G. Ballard

Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain. — Edward de Bono

A man’s only as old as the woman he feels. — Groucho Marx

TV is chewing gum for the eyes. — Frank Lloyd Wright

The funniest things are the forbidden. — Mark Twain

Unless we take action on climate change, future generations will be roasted, toasted, fried and grilled. Christine Lagarde

There’s so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets?
— Dick Cavett

Fear plays an interesting role in our lives. How dare we let it motivate us. How dare we let it into our decision-making, into our livelihoods, into our relationships. It’s funny, isn’t it? We take a day a year to dress up in costumes and celebrate fear.
— James Spader

How marriage ruins a man! It is as demoralizing as cigarettes, and far more expensive. — Oscar Wilde

It’s always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it’s just hilarious. — Bill Hicks

Sometimes you just have to put on lip gloss and pretend to be psyched. — Mindy Kaling

The person who writes for fools is always sure of a large audience.
— Arthur Schopenhauer

Women are meant to be loved, not to be understood. — Oscar Wilde

Ask her to wait a moment – I am almost done. — Carl Friedrich Gauss

In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk. — Rita Rudner

It is easy for me to love myself, but for ladies to do it is another question altogether.
— Johnny Vegas

Every man’s dream is to be able to sink into the arms of a woman without also falling into her hands. — Jerry Lewis

Men are only as loyal as their options. — Bill Maher

Love is the emotion that a woman feels always for a poodle dog and sometimes for a man. — George Jean Nathan