Laughter is spice of life. Laugh a lot. It burns a lot of calories. Here is collection of funny, hilarious, humour, witty quotes form top authors of all time. We have included interesting topics like marriage, democracy, politics, recession and many more. break out your boredom. Have fun!
Democracy means simply the bludgeoning of the people by the people for the people. — Oscar Wilde
Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed. — Albert Einstein
Most women set out to try to change a man, and when they have changed him they do not like him. — Marlene Dietrich
Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy.
— Francois de La Rochefoucauld
Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage – they’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry. — Rita Rudner
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
— Sacha Guitry
Marriage is give and take. You’d better give it to her or she’ll take it anyway.
— Joey Adams
Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
— Dave Barry
Before marriage, a man declares that he would lay down his life to serve you; after marriage, he won’t even lay down his newspaper to talk to you. — Helen Rowland
We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together. — Rodney Dangerfield
When a girl marries she exchanges the attentions of many men for the inattention of one. — Helen Rowland
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
— Lana Turner
In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn’t danced in television.
— Erma Bombeck
Politicians and diapers must be changed often, and for the same reason. — Mark Twain
A politician needs the ability to foretell what is going to happen tomorrow, next week, next month, and next year. And to have the ability afterwards to explain why it didn’t happen. — Winston Churchill
The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.
— Albert Einstein
Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is a little like expecting the bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian. — Dennis Wholey
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. — Alan Dundes
Money and women. They’re two of the strongest things in the world. The things you do for a woman you wouldn’t do for anything else. Same with money. — Satchel Paige
Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes. — Oscar Wilde
He who laughs last didn’t get the joke. — Charles de Gaulle
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too. — Rodney Dangerfield
Girls do not dress for boys. They dress for themselves, of course, each other. If girls dressed for boys, they’d just walk around naked at all times. — Betsey Johnson
The simple act of opening a bottle of wine has brought more happiness to the human race than all the collective governments in the history of earth. — Jim Harrison
When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That’s relativity. — Albert Einstein
If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.
— Dalai Lama
As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two. — Norman Wisdom
The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.
— Albert Einstein
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
— Steven Wright
A day without laughter is a day wasted. — Charlie Chaplin
The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us. — Bill Watterson
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names. — John F. Kennedy
By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong. — Charles Wadsworth
Politics: Poli a Latin word meaning many and tics meaning bloodsucking creatures.
— Robin Williams
When you go to work, if your name is on the building, you’re rich. If your name is on your desk, you’re middle class. And if your name is on your shirt, you’re poor.
— Rich Hall
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back. — Oscar Wilde
A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
— Groucho Marx
Advertising is the art of convincing people to spend money they don’t have for something they don’t need. — Will Rogers
It’s true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance.
— Ronald Reagan
A man’s face is his autobiography. A woman’s face is her work of fiction.
— Oscar Wilde
I live by my own rules (reviewed, revised, and approved by my wife).. but still my own.
— Si Robertson
They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.
— Clint Eastwood
Everything is funny, as long as it’s happening to somebody else. — Will Rogers
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.’ — Claude Pepper
Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment. — Betty White
When I’m not in a relationship, I shave one leg. That way, when I sleep, it feels like I’m with a woman. — Garry Shandling
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don’t know the answer.
— Douglas Adams
The safe way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket.
— Kin Hubbard
Mind is never a problem. Mindset is.
Beware of the young doctor and the old barber. — Benjamin Franklin
A recession is when your neighbor loses his job. A depression is when you lose yours.
A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists. — Don Marquis
Man has his will, but woman has her way. — Oliver Wendell Holmes Sr.
If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you. — Billy Wilder
If any of you cry at my funeral I’ll never speak to you again. — Stan Laurel
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. — Jim Carrey
money is not everything but it ranks right up there with oxygen. — Zig Ziglar
Today is Valentine’s Day – or, as men like to call it, Extortion Day! — Jay Leno
Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months.
The funny thing about stop signs is that they’re also start signs.
— Maureen Johnson
At every party there are two kinds of people – those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other. — Ann Landers
Love: A temporary insanity curable by marriage. — Ambrose Bierce
We have women in the military, but they don’t put us in the front lines. They don’t know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, ‘You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms.’
— Elayne Boosler
My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never.
— Jack Benny
It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person’s plate. — Dave Barry
Here’s to our wives and girlfriends…may they never meet! — Groucho Marx
If there hadn’t been women we’d still be squatting in a cave eating raw meat, because we made civilization in order to impress our girlfriends. — Orson Welles
…and the funny thing was that people who weren’t entirely certain they were right always argued much louder than other people, as if the main person they were trying to convince were themselves. — Terry Pratchett
To attract men, I wear a perfume called ‘New Car Interior.’— Rita Rudner
Mom and Pop were just a couple of kids when they got married. He was eighteen, she was sixteen and I was three. — Billie Holiday
Analysing comedy is like dissecting a frog. Nobody laughs and the frog dies.
— Barry Cryer
If exposure of body is modernism, then animals are more modern than humans.
— Zakir Naik
Selfish men make the best lovers. They’re prepared to invest in the women’s pleasures so that they can collect an even bigger dividend for themselves. — J. G. Ballard
Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain. — Edward de Bono
A man’s only as old as the woman he feels. — Groucho Marx
TV is chewing gum for the eyes. — Frank Lloyd Wright
The funniest things are the forbidden. — Mark Twain
Unless we take action on climate change, future generations will be roasted, toasted, fried and grilled. Christine Lagarde
There’s so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets?
— Dick Cavett
Fear plays an interesting role in our lives. How dare we let it motivate us. How dare we let it into our decision-making, into our livelihoods, into our relationships. It’s funny, isn’t it? We take a day a year to dress up in costumes and celebrate fear.
— James Spader
How marriage ruins a man! It is as demoralizing as cigarettes, and far more expensive. — Oscar Wilde
It’s always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it’s just hilarious. — Bill Hicks
Sometimes you just have to put on lip gloss and pretend to be psyched. — Mindy Kaling
The person who writes for fools is always sure of a large audience.
— Arthur Schopenhauer
Women are meant to be loved, not to be understood. — Oscar Wilde
Ask her to wait a moment – I am almost done. — Carl Friedrich Gauss
In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk. — Rita Rudner
It is easy for me to love myself, but for ladies to do it is another question altogether.
— Johnny Vegas
Every man’s dream is to be able to sink into the arms of a woman without also falling into her hands. — Jerry Lewis
Men are only as loyal as their options. — Bill Maher
Love is the emotion that a woman feels always for a poodle dog and sometimes for a man. — George Jean Nathan